Game Masters
by MAndrews
Summary: Wash is both easily bored and easily amused.  And Jayne should know better than to mess up Simon's infirmary.  Or wear mittens, or speak at all....
1. Toss

Disclaimer: The world and characters of Firefly/Serenity belong to Joss Whedon. I'm just playing with them and promise not to traumatize them too much.

Author's Note: This just popped into my head a while ago and I figured I'd write it. It's just a little one shot so don't expect too much. But I hope you laugh at least a little. I'm not totally happy with the ending but I never am so….

Also, as to when this is set, it's after Objects in Space and before the BDM (unless you want to pretend the BDM didn't kill certain beloved characters)

* * *

Hoban Washburne, pilot of the firefly-class transport ship Serenity, was bored. It had been five days since they'd been planet-side. Five days of doing basically the same thing with the same people, and another six days before that was likely to change. However, Wash was not the sort of person for whom boredom was ever a problem for very long. As his siblings and flight school classmates had discovered, Wash was perfectly capable of providing his own entertainment.

Normally, Wash could have occupied himself endlessly with his very beautiful wife and left the rest of the crew alone. However, Zoë was taking the break from getting shot at to go over the ships books (something Mal left to her since he hated anything even resembling math). So Wash needed someone else to play with and this time around he had decided on the young doctor. The two of them had bonded a bit on the bridge whenever Mal took Zoë and Jayne out on jobs and neither Serenity nor River needed their attention.

As he had expected, Wash found Simon in the infirmary. "Hey, how's River?"

Simon glanced up from the bottles he was organizing. "She's fine. She's playing with Kaylee. Girl things I'd rather not know about."

"I see." Wash said as he moved to stand next to the younger man. "My sisters used to play a lot of games that kind of scared me too." He peered at the bottles. "What are you doing?"

"Jayne was in here yesterday looking for something again. I'm just reorganizing everything he moved."

Wash's half formed idea shaped itself a little more. "Almost done?"

"Pretty much, why? Did you need something?"

"Wanna annoy Jayne?"

Simon gave him a curious look. Wash merely grinned and dragged him down to the cargo bay.

Jayne was a creature of habits in some respects, and his workout routine was one of them. Very little interfered in his exercise regimen, so when he came down to the cargo bay with the shepherd to lift weights, he was not deterred by the presence of Wash and Simon bent over a crate and whispering to each other. Annoyed, perhaps, but not deterred.

Shepherd Book greeted the younger men who looked up briefly to reply, then turned their attention back to whatever they were doing. Jayne was more than happy to ignore them as he settled onto the bench.

Jayne continued to ignore the other men when they quit whispering and moved to the stairs. He continued to ignore them when they started throwing something onto the stairs. It got a little harder to ignore them when they started cheering each other on or disparaging certain shots.

Jayne finished his turn and got out of the way for the shepherd to take his. He went back to trying to ignore the idiots, but it was getting harder. Whatever they were playing, Simon seemed to be winning, and Wash was making much of how well he was doing. _Can't be that hard if the hun dan doctor can do it._

They were still throwing things when Book finished. Jayne would have just left but Book wanted to see what they were doing. "They seem very enthusiastic; I just want to see what the excitement is about."

Although he would never have admitted it, Jayne was rather curious himself so he took advantage of the shepherd's interest to hide his own and followed.

"What are you playing?" Book asked as Simon tossed what Jayne now saw was a food packet onto one of the stairs.

"Great shot!" Wash declared, clapping Simon on the back. He turned to Book. "We're playing Toss the Food Packet" he explained as if it were the most natural thing in the world. "Simon's really good at it," he added.

"Well, River and I used to have a lot of snowball fights. I have pretty good aim."

"I was never allowed to throw snowballs at _my_ sisters," Wash grumbled.

"Maybe if you'd had more snowball fights, you'd be better at this."

"I'm not that bad!" Wash objected. Simon gestured to the stairs.

Jayne and Book regarded the steps for a moment. Simon and Wash had been taking turns throwing the food packets for several minutes and they were scattered over several stairs in no apparent pattern. Jayne couldn't figure who had thrown which.

"I'm not that bad. You're just really good." Wash repeated.

Jayne was getting a little sick of hearing that. "Bet I could do it."

Wash and Simon exchanged looks which Jayne couldn't read.

"I'd like to try too, if I could." Book added.

"Sure!" Wash fetched a handful of food packets and handed them out. "Simon and I will go first so you can see what we're doing."

Wash tossed his food packet onto the seventh stair up. Simon snorted in amusement. "Well, better than last time." Wash said philosophically. Simon shook his head and tossed his food packet. It landed on the sixth stair up, a little left of centre.

"There, see?" he said. "Almost perfect."

Book went next. He got his food packet onto the sixth stair as well, though almost to the back of the stair and right of the middle.

"Not bad, not bad." Wash said. They all looked at Jayne. Jayne tossed his food packet confidently onto the sixth step, almost dead centre. He was feeling a bit smug until Wash laughed. Simon was staring at Jayne's food packet a little puzzled.

"You totally missed!" Wash declared.

Book and Jayne blinked at him.

"What were you aiming at?" Simon asked, sounding rather confused. He shook his head slightly and went over to the crate to get more food packets. "Here, let's try again."

The four of them each took a turn throwing food packets. According to Wash, Simon's was perfect this time, Book's was decent, his own was alright, and Jayne's was, once again, way off.

Book and Jayne looked from the two men to the stairs and back again.

"I really didn't think it was that hard," Wash mused, eying the stairs thoughtfully. "I mean, Shepherd figured it out, right? Maybe Jayne just doesn't have good aim when he's throwing things." This seemed to be addressed to Simon who shurgged.

Jayne looked at the Shepherd and noticed that he seemed confused too, but in a bemused way.

"Well, I suppose the rules might be a _little_ confusing," Simon said. "Let's see if the girls can figure them out." He smiled up at the catwalk where Inara, Kaylee, and River had appeared from Inara's shuttle and were peering puzzledly at the food packets all over the stairs. He and Wash quickly gathered all the already thrown food packets and the girls came downstairs to join them.

"Alright," Wash told them as he handed out food packets, "watch carefully." He tossed his food packet onto the fourth stair.

"Good shot, I'd almost think it wasn't you throwing." Simon teased, as he threw his food packet onto the eighth stair. Jayne snorted, but quietly.

Wash's jaw dropped for a moment. "That was amazing! I didn't think even you'd make that shot!"

River stepped up next and threw onto the fifth step, over to the left. Simon and Wash both declared it an excellent shot. Book's shot landed on the fifth stair as well and was declared good. Inara's joined Simon's on the eighth and after some discussion Simon said it was pretty fair for a first try. Kaylee's, which landed on the sixth step so close to the back it was almost falling off, was deemed nearly perfect. Jayne threw his onto the fifth step with River and Book's. Wash snickered and Simon shrugged.

"See, the rules can't be that hard to figure out. The girls clearly get it."

Jayne analyzed the food packets and could tell the others (except for River, of course) were doing the same. He refused to admit he couldn't figure why shots were good or bad, and when Wash began handing out more food packets he took one along with everyone else, determined to figure this out and prove that he was better than the doctor.

Zoe had finished with the books for the day and she and Mal were on the bridge talking. Eventually, they became aware of sounds coming from the cargo bay and, suspecting her husband was involved, Zoe went to investigate. She stopped at the top of the stairs, out of sight and watched for two rounds. Smothering a laugh, she hurried back to the bridge and brought Mal down to watch as well.

Zoe leaned on the railing, watching while Wash recapped the scores. Simon was definitely winning, with River and Kaylee close behind. Then came Book, then Inara and Wash, and finally Jayne, very very far behind. The mercenary looked annoyed, River and Wash were obviously quite happy, Inara, Kaylee, and Book looked bemused, and Simon seemed to be fighting a smile, though it was hard to tell for sure from this distance.

The captain and first mate watched another round or two before Mal headed down the stairs.

"Hello, lazy lazy crew. Are we playing games instead of working?"

"Ain't got no work can't wait, cap'n," Kaylee replied cheerfully.

"Well, that's alright then. Long as I can play. I been watching and I'm sure I'll be fair good at it. Zoe too, I suspect." River giggled and whispered something to her brother who hastily shushed her.

Food packets were handed around and three more rounds were played. As Mal had expected, he and Zoe were declared excellent shots by Simon and Wash.

"I give up," Book admitted at last. "What exactly are we playing here? I seem to be doing well, but I confess I have no idea why."

"Well, Jayne, you were in the doc's infirmary yesterday I hear."

"What's that got to do with anything?" Simon and Wash began backing away, Wash bringing his wife with him for protection and grinning.

"Captain smart," River observed, keeping pace with her retreating brother. Mal grinned at her.

"I don't understand," Kaylee said.

"I'm thinking the only rule in this here game is Wash and Simon get to decide points."

Kaylee's eyes widened in surprise, Inara smothered a laugh, and Book nodded thoughtfully. Zoe casually moved so she was between Jayne and the game masters and said, laughter in her voice "Run."

Neither man needed to be told twice; they sprinted up the stairs as Jayne realized what Mal meant and let out an angry shout.


	2. Lost

Disclaimer: The world and characters of Firefly/Serenity belong to Joss Whedon. I'm just playing with them and promise not to traumatize them too much.

Author's Note: Ok, I know I said this was a one shot, but people seemed to like it and I was going through the list I had made for ideas and couldn't resist using another one, soo hopefully people will like this chapter too.

* * *

After the success of Toss the Food Packet, Wash was even more keen to get Simon involved in his games. He felt it was good for Simon to let loose and he was sure that Simon possessed a well-repressed mischievous side. Wash felt it was his duty to bring that side out, and if he could annoy Jayne in the process, even better. 

They'd finally landed on Paquin. River was having a good day, so Wash dragged Simon into town to help him pick out supplies.

"It's gonna be another long trip." Wash commented as he and Simon sorted through protein packs, looking for the most edible flavours.

"Oh?" Simon tossed a few into the box they'd grabbed when they entered the store.

"Yeah. Athens is all the way over the other side now, it's more than a week to get there."

"Mal's not going to Whitefall, again, is he? I don't think I have enough bandages and I didn't like the look of this town's medical supply store."

Wash laughed. "No, we're going to meet with one of our regular guys. Never had a problem with him."

When they had enough food, they picked up a few other things they needed and started back to the ship. As they went, they passed a local man putting up posters for a lost pet. Wash didn't think much of it until later that night when he was grabbing a snack and Simon brought it up.

"Yeah," he said when Simon asked if he remembered it. "Why?"

"Well...I was just thinking, Jayne's kind of like a pet. A mean guard dog type of pet, I mean."

Wash looked at him for a moment and then grinned.

- - -

Mal wandered into the kitchen the next morning, not paying much attention to his surroundings until he noticed the hysterical giggling that was going on. Zoe, Kaylee, Inara, and River were all laughing at something. Wash and Simon were sitting at the other end of the table, watching curiously and looking just a little too innocent.

"Do I want to know what's goin on?" Mal inquired.

Without looking at him, River suddenly turned solemn and held out a data sheet to Inara. "My poor puppy! He's lost and all alone! How will I ever find him?"

Inara got control of herself and patted River soothingly. "It's alright sweetie, we'll all help you look. We need to look for our own as well."

"Zoe," Mal said, a little plaintively, "tell me no one actually brought pets onto my ship." Zoe didn't answer, she just showed Kaylee a data sheet. "Have you seen him? I miss him so much."

Kaylee shook her head and tried to look sad, although Mal could tell she was close to giggling. She also kept looking over at Wash and Simon. "Sorry Zoe, I ain't seen 'im. Have you seen mine?" Kaylee held out another data sheet. Zoe looked briefly and shook her head.

"We'll pair up and start looking after breakfast," Inara decided. For a moment she still looked serious, but then she giggled and looked over at Wash and Simon. River also disolved into giggles again.

"Alright, someone explain, what are you looking for?" Mal demanded. None of the girls looked at him but his pilot and his doctor exchanged looks before looking at him even more innocently.

With growing suspicion, Mal reached out and picked up one of the sheets. He stared at it for a moment then looked at Wash and Simon. He opened and shut his mouth a few times and then gave up and looked down again.

The data sheet was a lost pet poster which announced that a beloved pet who answered to the name Book had been lost and the owner was offering a small reward for his return. There was a picture of an English Sheepdog at the top. Mal put it down and picked up the others, which the girls had kindly put where he could reach them. There was one for him (apparently he was a Rhodesian Ridgeback), Wash the Norwegian Buhund, Simon the Siberian Husky, and Jayne the Rottweiler.

Mal looked at the girls again, none of whom were looking at him, and made his way over to Wash and Simon. Wash pushed a plate of food at him, grinning.

"Do I want to know?" he asked again.

"Just trying to keep River occupied." Simon said. Mal looked at him and he suddenly seemed very interested in his breakfast.

"I'm beginning to think you two need more to do." Mal said. Wash merely grinned at him.

Jayne and Book both appeared soon after and discovered that they were being carefully ignored by all the girls. After Mal explained why, Book chuckled and Jayne shot a suspicious scowl at Simon and Wash.

"How long are they going to keep this up?" Mal asked a while later, as the girls went off to begin their hunt and Wash and Simon headed off to supposedly do some actual work.

"Til we get found," Wash called back cheerfully. Simon just disappeared quickly.

Zoe and Kaylee did get some work done, although everywhere Mal went that day, one of the girls was peering into places and calling for whatever dog they'd chosen to look for. It continued into the next day, but at dinner he discovered that Wash had been 'found' by Kaylee. Simon, Books, Jayne, and himself were still missing. River was making much of this to Inara, sniffling about her poor Simon-puppy. Mal cornered the unfortunate husky after dinner.

"Now, correct me if I'm wrong. But Zoe was lookin for Wash, River is, obviosuly, lookin for you, Kaylee is lookin for me, and Inara is lookin for the Shepherd. Seems no one is missing our rottweiler."

"Are you implying that I had something to do with that?" Simon asked, edging towards the passenger dorms.

Mal regarded him for a moment then snorted quietly but didn't press him for an answer.

The next afternoon Mal sliced his hand open and made his way to Simon's domain.

"So what exactly did Jayne do?" Mal asked as Simon stitched.

"What makes you think he did anything?" Simon asked absently.

"Cause the only time you let Wash talk you into these things is when you're annoyed with Jayne." Simon grabbed a weave from the counter behind him. "Not that I'm complaining, mind you. I don't blame you get gettin annoyed with him, he likes to bug you. And this sorta revenge is much less destructive to both my doctor and my ship than throwin a punch. Also much more entertainin."

Simon frowned slightly. "Don't mean it as an insult, doc." Mal continued. "Know you _can_ throw a punch, but Jayne...well, it's what he does."

"True."

"I would also like to point out that this one was Simon's plan." Wash added from the doorway. "And Inara's headed this way Simon."

"Thanks Wash." Wash waved and disappeared.

"Thought you were still among the missing."

"I'm about to fix that."

Inara came into the room outside the infirmerary and started looking for her sheepdog Book behind the pillows.

"Woof woof!" Simon called.

Inara straightened up.

"Woof woof!"

Inara moved over the the com and called River. "Mei mei, I've found Simon!"

"Oh thank you! I've been so lonely without my puppy!" River appeared a few moments later and pounced with exaggerated happiness on her brother. River made a show of paying an invisible reward to Inara.

Mal found Wash on the bridge with Zoe. "So what kind of bark does a Norwegian Buhund have?"

"Arf arf."

"I see."

Mal waited until just before breakfast the next morning. He was alone at the table with River and Wash.

He eyed River for a moment, then very firmly said "Roff, roff." River had been playing with her fork but she perked up immediately. "Roff." Mal repeated.

River scampered out of the room and returned a moment later with Kaylee in tow. She proudly showed her Mal and another invisible reward was exchanged.

The girls helpfully dropped several pointed hints at dinner about how strangely quiet the still missing dogs were. "If only they'd bark or something," Kaylee sighed. By breakfast the next morning, Book had been found by Zoe.

It took two more days of being ignored, and apparently much too subtle hints before the shepherd took pity on Jayne and explained.

At lunch the Jayne came in and looked uneasily at everyone. "Uh, ruff ruff?" He turned red at the snickering.

Kaylee patted his arm gently. "Oh look, we found Jayne!"

"How come no one was looking for me? You spent the first day wandering around calling for everyone else, how come nobody called for Jayne?" he complained as he sat down.

"Nobody wants a dog with mittens." River said. She shivered and Simon touched her shoulder comfortingly.

Mal nodded to himself. He's expected trouble the moment he'd seen the new, blue, mittens Jayne's mother had sent him. He wasn't particularly surprised the merc hadn't been able to resist teasing the little reader.

Jayne had the sense to look embarrassed. "Uh, yeah, 'bout that. I was thinking, maybe I could dye 'em or somethin."

"Probably a good idea,' Mal agreed mildly.


	3. Cat

Disclaimer: It's Joss's world, I'm just playing in it.

Author's Note: Didn't expect this chapter to go where it did but it gave me an idea for another one if people are still interested.

Mal, Zoe, and Jayne were out on a job, Kaylee was fiddling in the engine room, Inara was with a client, and Book was meeting with an old friend, which left Wash and Simon to get supplies again. They'd brought River with them this time.

"I think they're cute" Wash insisted. He pointed to a lage box overflowing with identical stuffed animals. Simon picked one up and stared at it for a moment.

"It looks like a deformed cat," he said after a moment. "Which is probably why they're so cheap." They were, in fact, extremely cheap. The entire box was listed with a price one would usually expect to pay for two or three stuffed animals.

"Production problem," River diagnosed. She rattled off some technical sounding details and finished with "Endlessly embarrassing error. Executives are eager to eliminate evidence."

Twenty minutes later the three of them returned to the ship knowing just how desperate the factory's executives and the store's owner had been to get rid or them.

"I'm gonna go put these away." Wash said.

"What are you gonna do with them, anyway?"

"Don't know yet, I'll think of something." Wash assured him.

"Would you permit me to possess a part of your purchase?" River inquired.

"Mei mei, if you want a stuffed animal, I'll get you one that actually looks like an animal."

River shook her head. "Want that one." She picked one out of the box and petted it's squashy head.

"See?" Wash told Simon. "I already found a use for one!" Wash whistled happily as he trotted off to his room to hide his latest whim. Simon looked at the one River was still holding. She was humming a lullaby to it.

Later that night, Simon was sitting on his bed staring at another of the creepy toys. River had put it on the foot of his bed before going to sleep, insisting that it would guard him from nightmares.

"More likely to give me nightmares if I wake up to that," he muttered to himself, leaning forward to turn it so at least it wasn't looking at him. As he lay back, however, an idea crept into his mind.

The next morning he found Wash on the bridge.

"Does Zoe know about your box of mutated creatures yet?"

"My sweet little kittens, you mean?"

"Yes, sweet little kittens. Does anyone besides you, me, and River know how many of them there are?"

Wash sat up straighter and absently handed Simon a dinosaur. "Got an idea?"

For various reasons, most of the crew were in the cargo bay. The only people missing, in fact, were River and Book, which soon changed.

"Are you sure you he can't be saved sweetheart?" Book asked as he followed River into the cargo bay.

"Heart halted, death decided." River informed him seriously. Zoe noted that she was holding the cat Wash had given her.

"What's going on?" Simon asked, intercepting his sister who seemed to be heading for the airlock.

River held the toy out. "Santana suffered serious sickness." Simon took the cat and exmained it as River continued. "Body must be burried. The Black bars basic burrial so burrial backup becomes basic."

"You're going to space him?" Zoe asked after a moment. River nodded.

"Are you sure, mei mei?" Simon asked gently.

River nodded again. "Display dignity and deference for dearly departed."

Simon looked over at Mal. "Uh, do you mind, captain?" For a moment Zoe thought Mal might try to object, but River gave him a look of wide-eyed innocence and she knew Mal would cave; he couldn't resist that look.

"Yeah, alright. If it'll help her say goodbye."

Wash worked the door controls for the funeral. River solemnly placed Santana in the airlock and after an appropriate moment of silence, Wash cycled the ugly toy into the black.

Zoe was grabbing a second cup of coffee the next morning. Simon had spread some of his books out on the table and was going over what looked like an inventory. Zoe was making a mental to do list when she heard a startled yell. Jayne appeared a moment later and thumped something down on the table in front of Simon.

"What the hell was that doin in my bunk?" he demanded.

Simon blinked. "Where did that come from?"

"It was in my bunk!"

"I got that part, what I meant was that I distinctly remember spacing that thing yesterday." Simon objected. "You were there."

"Well Wash musta bought her two. But that still don't explain what it was doing in my bunk."

"What's the noise about?" Mal asked, appearing with Kaylee and Wash from the bridge.

"Malevolent Mammalian Manifestation!" River had appeared at the other door and she pounced on the offending cat. "Frightening feline phantom following fearsome fighter?" she asked it.

"How many of those you got?" Mal asked, picking it up and inspecting it.

"Requires respacing." River informed him as she took it back. She headed out with the cat. Everybody followed her to the cargo bay, picking Inara and Book up on the way. Kaylee explained the situation and there was a second funeral for Santana.

The cat appeared in Mal's bunk the next day, Wash and Zoe's the next, then Inara's shuttle, and later that day in Simon's infirmerary. When Simon put Santana VI on the table Mal looked at Wash.

"Now, being as I'm the one that pays you, I've an idea how much money you have. How the guay did you afford so many stuffed animals and how many more of these gorram things can possibly appear?"

Wash shook his head. "Don't look at me, Mal. As you said, where would I get the money for this kind of prank?"

"Happy haunter is not hostile." River assured the captain.

Mal blinked at her and looked back at Santana.

"It wasn't a big town." Mal said to Zoe later. "I mean, where would Wash get that many stuffed animals. Let alone that many badly made ones."

"Haven't the faintest idea sir. He's not keeping them in our room, I've checked."

"Is there any way they could be faking the spacings?"

"Don't see how. River just places him loose in the middle of the air lock and we know the doors open."

"Then where are the gorrams things coming from?" Zoe just shrugged.

Santana was back in Jayne's bunk the next day. He showed up on Jayne's weight bench that afternoon, and on his chair in the kitchen at dinner. He was spaced each time and Mal was trying not to think about the trail of mutant kittens they must be leaving. Wash continued to insist he didn't know where the replacements were coming from. Simon had searched the infirmerary and River's room and turned up no supply. Mal didn't necessarily trust Simon's search, especially after the rude things Jayne had said about Simon and Kaylee the week before, but his own search, which included Simon's room, turned up no kitten stash either. He was beginning to wonder who they might have involved in their plan. He was fairly sure Zoe, although she seemed to be enjoying the show, was not directly involved. He also doubted that either Kaylee or Inara was involved. And it didn't seem the Shepherd's style either.

Eight more cats appeared over the next three days. They were starting to look like they had been spaced a few times.

"This is impossible. The spaced cat cannot keep reappearing!"

Wash shrugged helplessly. "I'll admit there were six of them. River liked them and they were cheap. I swear to God I don't know how we've spaced 17 of them."

The night before they landed again, Mal was sitting the kitchen, waiting for Simon, Wash, or River to come through with another cat. He'd put Zoe on the bridge to make sure they didn't come around the other way. But somehow, he woke up the next morning to Jayne's alarmed yelling.

He pelted down the hall and pushed Jayne's door open. "What's the matter?"

"They're everywhere!" He sounded somewhat panicked.

Kaylee and River appeared from Kaylee's bunk, Zoe and Wash from theirs, and Simon, Inara, and Book arrived a moment later. Zoe and Kaylee vouched that Wash and River had both been with them all night. Mal didn't think Simon would risk going into Jayne's bunk on his own. But there were at least two dozen Santanas in Jayne's bunk.

Mal gathered everyone in the kitchen and looked every member of his crew in the eye, looking for the accomplice.

"I do not believe in ghosts," Mal announced firmly. "Not human ones, and sure as hell not stuffed animal ones. So where are these gorram cats coming from?"

Each and every crew member looked innocently back at him. Mal tried to figure out when Simon had gone from fumbling fake buyer to convincingly innocent culprit. When no one gave in or gave themselves away, Mal turned to Jayne. "Alright, fine, who else did you piss off?"

Jayne looked offended, but Mal raised an eyebrow and the mercenary finally admitted that he might have been pestering Inara about a client.

Mal sighed. "So, are we done with the cats then?"

"Saving for the selection in the simian's salon, a single specimen still stays spaceside." River assured him.

"Uh huh. And is someone going to tell me where you managed to hide a giant collection of mutant cats?"

"We kept them in Inara's shuttle after she agreed to help." Simon admitted. "We knew you'd never look there."


End file.
